Sin #5 Sloppy pick-up lines

The other night I stalked Youtube to see if my friend Randy posted any of "Rexburg Story Slam" videos up. These are videos of a bi-weekly group we started with our friend Josh in the summer of 2010. It was copying after The Moth, where we would have a theme for the night and people would have to tell a story about themselves, without notes, in about 5 minutes, and revolving around the theme for the night. We'd judge the stories and whoever won we'd give them a gift card to something.

Well I was stoked to see that Randy and my friend Jeanette carried on with it after Josh and I graduated and left Rexburg. One of the themes they had was the 7 deadly sins.... and thus is the theme for my story:

I was so excited last night to go to institute. I was excited because this would be my second time doing something with the singles in my area. (The first time being probably back in 2006). I knew my family saw the singles in my area as “special” but I was out to prove them wrong and show them that there are great people there. And hey, maybe I’ll even find a nice guy there.

I was a little late to the church building, but apparently everyone else runs on Mormon standard time and show up 15-30 minutes late.

But let's be honest I was pretty glad I was earlier than everyone else because my parents told me I should bring a treat to institute. I brought a pie that my Ausi companion from my mission had taught me how to make. I was hesitant bringing the pie because I didn’t think anyone else brings treats to institute. But even though I brought something I made I still felt like an11-year-old boy giving a girl a Valentines gift that his mom pressured him into giving. You know shoulders slummed, head down, shuffling the feet and without looking up saying "I made this for you" to Elder Wheeler (the senior elder).

While talking to Elder and Sister Wheeler I was picking out which seat I was going to sit at. I was hoping Laura, who had arrived before earlier, would sit next to me. I hardly knew her because she was a convert from my hometown.

Soon four others show up. Three of them were siblings and the other was one of the sister’s boyfriend. The sister without the boyfriend sits one chair away from me so I’m thinking “okay, that’s cool because Laura will probably sit in the chair next to me.” Then the sisters’ brother shows up – this super skinny guy, maybe about the same height as me (5’2”), glasses and an oversized old coat and old baseball hat on.

He beelines straight for me and asks, “Who are you?”

“Hi, I’m Erin.” I gave out my hand for him to shake. I guess I’m still used to being courteous from the mission, which I quickly regretted when I discovered that his hand was wet. Yes, I say wet because it was beyond sweaty. He said his name but I completely missed it because I was so distracted and shocked by how waterlogged his hand was. I didn’t bother to ask him again.

To my dismay Sweaty Hands sat right next to me. And I still had an open spot between his sister and I. He talked to Laura (who didn't sit by me) how he was so tired working with the animals. And I decided he must not have had time to clean up before coming because his odor was giving me an immediate headache. But since he was sitting next to me there was no escaping the smell.

He asked me if I was just visiting. I repeated what I said to his sister in telling him that I just returned from my mission at Temple Square. He then informs me that he just served a mission too.

“But my mission was a unique one, I served a service mission” he states. He carries on how he cleaned all the chapels in our stake and I nod and smile. I was only half listening and desperately wondering when they’ll start class.

“…yeah but I have plans to move out soon and move to this place with my wife” he continues on. Wait what? His wife? So he’s engaged. Oh perfect. I start to relax a little. “That is when I find her. I really want to marry a return missionary,” he said staring right at me.

Oh heck no, I thought to myself, who are you?!

Saved by Sister Wheeler she comes and sits in the empty seat on my right and asks me about my current plans in life. I share how I was graduated from BYU-Idaho studying Journalism so now I’m just looking for a job in that field.

“Oh that’s wonderful,” she exclaimed.

“Journalism?” says Sweaty Hands with a disgusted tone “Journalism is so easy. It’s nothing compared to what I did, which is Wildlife Studies. That stuff is hard.”

Okay seriously who are you?! We are not friends. But instead I respond with “Oh yeah, I can see how it could be difficult having to learn about all the different types of animals.”

He goes on to talk about how hard Wildlife Studies is and then says “Actually, I have to write a lot of reports on these animals. I could use someone like you to write all my reports down so I don’t have to.”

Oh smooth. Yeah, still not interested. Seriously, when is this class going to start??

Finally class started as soon as the elders walk in at 7:30. Oh and by the way two of the girls in the class were cheering and clapping for their arrival. Haha no wonder why the elders like to go to institute. So besides the elders, there were only two guys in the class with five girls. One guy being the sister’s boyfriend and the other being Mr. Sweaty Hands. Yeah Ohio is looking slimmer and slimmer for dating opportunities. But no real surprise there.

So class went on and it was really good. I learned a lot about Samson and Ruth. Another guy ends up walking in at 7:45. He seems a lot more “normal.”

At the end Sister Wheeler starts talking about how Ruth and Boaz’s marriage was an eternal marriage and was in the plans since their marriage led to Christ’s birth, after generations. She then shifts to talking about her and her husband’s wonderful marriage. I keep my eyes locked on Sister Wheeler as I can see out of the corner of my eye Sweaty Hands occasionally glancing my way.

She plays Elder Holland’s Mormon Messages clip, titled “How Do I Love Thee?” and when the clip starts talking about what type of person you should look to marry Sweaty Hands, once again, just stares right at me. My eyes were locked on the screen.

When class was over he immediately starts talking to me again about who knows what. And let’s be honest, I wasn’t the nicest. I was walking away from him acting like I was busy trying to put away some of the chairs. I guess he didn’t really mind my inattentiveness because he still followed me around like a lost puppy. I told him I needed to go grab a drink of water, even though I knew the senior couple and the elders were serving drinks with the scones they were handing out. But I needed an escape.

The Normal Guy was out there, but I didn’t talk to him. I stepped into the restroom instead and decided I should just leave; I don’t want to mingle with the others.

So I grab my things, which were in the institute room, and try to head out but Sweaty Hands and Normal Guy are blocking the doorway talking. I make my way towards them and get ready to squeeze past when Normal Guy says, “I don’t think I met you.” Really, I think to myself, this class isn’t that big and you and I both know we haven’t met. And I’m not interested in your little pick up lines – Sweaty Hands has been throwin 'em at me all night.

I introduce myself, but the whole time I’m thinking I don’t think I want to meet anyone else. However, I bite my pride and make small talk with him. Even though he was nice, in the back of my mind I’m preparing to make the soonest out I can. But one of the elders comes up to us and says, “You can’t leave until you try some of the smoothies we made.”

I ended up leaving 10 minutes later, but not before one of the girls gets herself covered in smoothie from head to toe by Sweaty Hands when he accidentally runs into her.

I was looking for something new to do that night instead of the doing the usual job searching. I definitely got it. But not before others or I committed these 7 sins.

1) Being embarrassed of a creation I had made

2) Trying to prove my family wrong, who know the singles in this area better than I do

3) Judging others more than I normally do

4) Looking for love in ALL the wrong places – *ahem* Sweaty Hands

5) Sloppy pick-up lines – another call out to Sweaty Hands

6) Being prideful

7) Showing up late – because if Normal Guy hadn’t showed up late, maybe he would’ve sat close to me and I would’ve given him a little more of the time of day.